PROVERBS

Selected Proverbs on Relationships

Selected Proverbs

INTRODUCTION

One of the difficulties in studying Proverbs is that it normally does not deal with a single topic all at one time. Rather it will speak on a topic, go to various other topics, and then return to the first topic later. This is disconcerting for us who are used to dealing with one topic at length, developing its complete thought, and then moving on to something else. The only problem with doing it our way is that we tend then to leave the topic behind us permanently. "Now that we've dealt with this topic, we can move on!" To be honest though there are some issues in life from which you just don't move on. For example, most of us living under the illusion that once our children grow up and move away from home that we will no longer have to parent them. In a real sense a person will never stop being a parent once he or she has had a child. Life is not a package you can neatly wrap and top off with a pretty bow. It is on-going. The structure of Proverbs affirms this element in life.

The proverbs selected for this study deal with the arena of the home. It was the first institution God created, predating the congregation by at least 2600 years (using biblical chronology). So many of the ills of society can be traced back to the breakdown of the home. Although the home has taken a beating since the 1960's, it continues to be the foundation for both society and the church. The church shows the value of the home by its focusing on developing the relationship between spouses and between parents and children.

INTRODUCTION TO PROVERBS ON RELATIONSHIPS

(18:22) A man who finds a [good] wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord. (31:10) Who can find an excellent wife? She is far more precious than jewels. (24:3) A house is built by [God's] wisdom, and it is established by understanding. (24:4) By knowledge the rooms are filled with every precious and pleasant treasure.

First, Solomon states that it is a good thing to find a wife. (Naturally he is assuming that the wife we find is a good wife.) Too often we think of life as consisting of things: cars, clothes. That is not life. Life is relationships: "And this is eternal life, that they may know Thee, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom Thou hast sent" (John 17:3). The house I am paying a mortgage on is a wonderful place to live primarily because it is the place I connect each day with Nancy, Nathan, and Molly. Take them out of the house and it becomes nothing more than a combination of bricks, mortar, sheetrock, nails, etc. Inject them into the building and it becomes a home.

Next, Solomon asks: "Who can find an excellent wife?" The answer is "No one!" It's not because there are no excellent wives out there. It's because that is not the way you get this kind of wife. You receive this kind of wife only from the Lord: "House and wealth are an inheritance from fathers but a prudent wife is from the Lord" (19:14). The word translated "find" is also used throughout Proverbs to describe the finding of wisdom. You must seek for wisdom in order to show God that you really do care about obtaining wisdom; however, wisdom is so precious and beyond us that you can't ever find it. It must be given to you--by God. In the same way the excellent spouse (husband as well as wife) must be given to you by God.

Third, Solomon states that the "good" home is built by God's wisdom. This is true in every stage of building the home. Young men in approaching marrying need to make sure that they are following God's leadership in getting a wife. (Marriages can be disastrous as later proverbs will show.) Too often we marry based upon physical attraction, personality, finances (read Jane Austen novels for examples), sexual allure, lost puppy syndrome, etc. (What is "lost puppy syndrome"? It's when you feel so sorry for somebody that you fall in love with them. Well, those lost puppies need either medical attention from doctors, psychological help from psychologists, or financial instruction from financial experts. Marriage is not what they need. Marriage should be between 2 adults who are growing emotionally and spiritually. You can feel sorry for somebody without marrying them.)

Finally, God promises that the person who builds his home on God's wisdom will find the rooms of his home filled with treasure--vibrant relationships which bring joy to a person's life. A home where your children want to bring home their friends so that they can laugh and play video games, shiver as they watch scary movies, and even fight over trivial things so that they can make up and be friends again. It's the creation of a home, not a house.

PROVERBS ON SPOUSAL RELATIONSHIPS

(14:1) Every wise woman builds her house, but a foolish one tears it down with her own hands. (21:19) Better to live in a desert than with a contentious and hot-tempered wife. (15:17) Better a meal of vegetables where there is love than a fattened calf with hatred. (12:4) An excellent wife is her husband's crown, but a wife who shames him is like rottenness in his bones. (19:14) House and wealth are an inheritance from fathers, but a prudent wife is from the Lord.

Our literature is quick to point out that these proverbs refer just as much to the husband as they do to the wife. I'm sure this is true; however, I believe that Solomon is touching upon a major principle here. So much of the tone of the house is set by the wife. It is only natural that this is so because so much of her focus, attention, and energy are on the home. Even if she works out in the secular world, she is thinking about what to make for supper that night or worrying if the kids are feeling OK while they are at school. Men tend to be more global in their outlook on life, while women fortunately tend to be more tunnel vision with that vision focused on the home.

Solomon at the first shows us how we can distinguish between a wise woman and a foolish one. The wise woman builds up her home, while the foolish woman tears hers down. Although sex does drive men to a large degree, many men have chosen to be single than to remain married to a woman who causes nothing but grief in his life. I so appreciated a stand Nathan took with one of the girls he once dated. Although she was as cute as could be, she was always so negative, always doubting that he was faithful to her, etc. (All this occurred even before he turned 15, for crying out loud!) Finally, one day he broke it off, saying, "I don't need this!" He would rather not have a girlfriend than to put up with attitudes like this. The wise woman is not going to act in such a way so as to produce this kind of attitude in her husband and children.

Next, Solomon says that living out in the wilderness alone is better than living with a contentious spouse, that a paltry meal of vegetables is better than living with a spouse who has prepared a succulent dish of roasted calf, etc. Some people are unhappily single. There are worse things in life, for example, being unhappily married. Unless a spouse does something which breaks up the marriage scripturally, the other spouse needs to remain in a relationship with him. In the meantime though a person should not make his or her spouse look back wistfully at the days of being single. A person should make his spouse love marriage. (It's uncanny how "modern" the Bible is. An authoritative book on marriage called His Needs, Her Needs states that one of the primary needs of the husband in the family is the need for peace. This is what Solomon is promoting in these verses.)

Many times children can't believe it when their dad remarries after their mom has passed away. They feel like the dad has betrayed their mom's memory. That's not true. He has actually honored their mom. She was such a quality wife that she made him love married life. She did such a good job that he wants to be married again. Melissa Means has done such a good job that Frank said that he will bring his fiance to Melissa's funeral. Now that IS a tribute to Melissa!

A wife's treatment of her husband can be the crown of that husband, something he boasts of in the presence of others, or it can be something which shames him. Very early in our marriage Nancy and I committed not to embarrass each other in public. We try to be careful even when we tease each other in public because unfortunately there are some around us who might want to take it as a legitimate putdown. When a woman humiliates her husband in public and vice versa, for all practical purposes she has drawn a bullseye on his back and told everybody that it's open season on him. Others know full well that it is the responsibility of the spouse to guard and protect their spouse. When they humiliate them publicly, they are telegraphing that this person is not worth protecting. Fire at will!

The last verse (19:14) is of special significance to me. After I graduated from UT, I felt the Lord leading me to attend Southwestern Seminary. I was 23 at the time. I was one of the few men attending SWBTS who were single and was feeling the need, which most men feel, to be married. Yet it seemed like no one was coming my way. Nancy and I had gone out a few times the summer I was 24; however, I KNEW that nothing was going to come of this relationship because she was going to work with Campus Crusade for Christ first in Virginia and later in California. During those months of being alone, I read this verse and felt like the Lord gave it to me as a special verse. God wanted me to have the same perspective on a godly wife that He had.

For what turned out to be nine years I prayed this verse every night. During those nine years I dated girls who were primarily fun, or primarly pretty, or financially well-off. Moreover during that time I was engaged to someone who at that time looked like she was going to be pretty successful career-wise. Yet none of these fit the description of God's perspective on His kind of wife.

When I was 30, I became engaged to someone. I don't want to go into details for her sake; however, within a few months I realized that I had made a mistake. I told the Lord that if I had to remain single the rest of my life, I would because I wanted only the kind of wife He wanted for me. After I broke off the engagement, within 2 months God brought Nancy back into my life. No way did I see this coming. She lived over a thousand miles away. She had expressed zero interest in our relationship. All of a sudden though there was a relationship, the kind of relationship God wanted us to have.

Too often singles look at who's around them and think that they do not have any hope of ever being in a happy marital relationship. Well, God is not restricted to providing for you from the people you are presently with. He desires that we hold out for the person He has for us. If we do this, then He will come through at the right time and with the right person.

PROVERBS ON PARENT-CHILD RELATIONSHIPS

The Responsibility of the Father

Once more our literature applies the present verses to the relationship of both the mom and the dad to all their children. While there is definitely an element of truth in this, the primary thrust of Solomon's proverbs are directed towards the relationship of the FATHER to the children, especially to the sons. Another devastating feature to come out of the 60's was the reduction of the need to have a father in the home. Women, according to this thought, could raise the children by themselves just as well as if there were fathers in the homes. In the past 40 years we've seen a dramatic increase in promiscuity (children born out of wedlock) and drug usage by teenagers. The percentage of these problems is greater in single-parent homes (normally just the mom) than in 2-parent households. Both divorce and the lack of a male presence in the home have a devastating effect upon children.

Why is the male so important? First, he provides gender identification for the children. A man makes a boy feel like a man and makes a girl feel like a woman. Mothers are vitally important for the home, especially for its civilizing effects; however, boys feel like men around men and girls feel like ladies around men who do it right.

Second, the father is critical for the discipline in the home, especially for the sons. I cannot imagine Nancy being ultimately responsible for Nathan's discipline. Right now he measures 5'9" in height and weighs 170 lbs., nearly all of that being pure muscle. Plus he's getting bigger--height and weight wise. Too many single moms have been tyrannized by large rebellious sons. There is still enough fear in young men towards their dads which helps the sons stay within certain parameters.

(20:7) The one who lives with integrity is righteous; his children who come after him will be blessed. (16:21) Anyone with a wise heart is called discerning, and pleasant speech increases learning. (23) A wise heart instructs its mouth and increases learning with its mouth.

The first verse lays the burden of integrity upon the father. Too many dads claim to be a Christian and yet violate so many Christian principles in the home under the watchful gaze of a loving son. The old adage "Do as I say and not as I do" doesn't cut it. Sons do what their fathers do, not what their fathers say.

I think one of the most touching things I have experienced as a dad came when Nathan went to his first youth camp. We try to be faithful to the Lord in our prayer and quiet times. When Nathan came back home from camp, I heard reports about him that he had gone up to young people and offered to pray with them over certain issues they were struggling with. Until Christ returns, we will all fail to some degree or other; however, there is a level of integrity which all our sons expect us to live up to.

The next proverb tells us that "pleasant speech increases learning." In this context it probably applies to the way we communicate advice to our children. We can preach at them or even scold them, or we can speak to them with respect. The latter approach is more effective in producing wise children.

The last proverb cautions us as parents to be careful as to what we say to our children. What instructs our lips? Our emotions? Our tempers? Our hormones? The wise person lets his wise heart (the seat of learning) instruct his lips. I know that we as parents are going to mess up and fly off at the handle; however, those times should be few and far between.

The Need for Corporeal Discipline

(13:24) The one who will not use the rod hates his son, but the one who loves him disciplines him diligently. (23:13) Don't withhold correction from a child; if you beat him with a rod, he will not die. (14) Strike him with a rod, and you will rescue his life from Sheol. (19:18) Discipline your son while there is hope; don't be intent on killing him. (29:15) A rod of correction imparts wisdom, but a child left to himself is a disgrace to his mother. (22:6) Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.

Probably one of the major functions of the father in the home is in the area of discipline, not just assigning "time-out" chairs but also in corporeal punishment. Too often well-meaning people have claimed that corporeal punishment destroys the child. Solomon claims though that if you love your child you will administer corporeal punishment, while on the other hand if you do not administer corporeal punishment you don't love him.

If corporeal punishment benefits the child, then why would the father not use it? It might be because it is no longer socially acceptable. It might be that he wants his child to "like" him. That is a dangerous road to take. God has not called us to be parenting friends; He's called us to be friendly parents.

Of course Solomon is not talking about reckless discipline. He says that we are to discipline our children diligently--with thought and consistency. The child should know beforehand what kind of discipline he's going to receive if he does a certain thing. He should not wonder if he's "gonna get it this time" or not. It's like the kid who does something wrong, goes home, and pulls down his pants so that his father can give him a lick even before he has lamely tried to explain to his dad that "it wasn't his fault." Children should know their parameters before they face life.

Discipline is bascially putting parameters around a person. They did a study of children who played in a school playground without a fence and in another with a fence. The children who played in the fenced-in playground would venture all the way up to the fence, while those in the playground without a fence tended to huddle closer to the school because it made them feel more secure. Life can present some scary choices for your children; it is good that they know their parameters before confronted with these choices.

Next, Solomon comforts us by telling us that if we administer corporeal punishment, our children are not going to die. Of course some parents can get out of control and need to be dealt with; however, the vast majority of parents discipline correctly. Not once has a child died from this kind of discipline. He may have acted like he was going to die (in order to reduce the amount of discipline given); however, he was not really going to die.

In fact, Solomon says that the exact opposite will happen. The person who disciplines his children correctly will actually "rescue his life from Sheol," with Sheol in this instance referring to the place of the dead. A reckless life can lead to a premature death. It may even refer to the place of the damned. In other words, the parent who refuses to discipline his child may do serious spiritual harm to his child which may prevent that child from having a saving relationship with Christ.

The next proverb informs us that there is only a limited amount of time in which a parent can discipline his child and be effective at it. If you blink, your child will go from 5 years old to 16. If you wait till they're 16 to discipline them, you've waited too late. Discipline your child diligently and consistently while they are still young and maleable. At some point your discipline will have no effect on their lives. Instead, other disciplinarians will enter their lives--police, courts, judges, wardens, the armed services, etc.

Finally, Solomon assures us that parents will be rewarded for their efforts because even though their children may (and will) rebel against them and their teachings, one day the child will return to the faith entrusted to him. Whereas it is true that this is not ALWAYS true, it is nevertheless a valid general principle which has found fulfilment in so many cases. I once heard a person of another denomination say, "Give me a child until the age of 6 and my church will have him forever." Children are so impressionable, so much foundation is laid in their lives during their early years that they simply cannot escape it.

It is hoped though that the child will return to his faith before too long. So many teenagers have rebelled against their parents' faith only to return after they had long ago had children. Their children grew up in a "Faith"-less house, resulting in the fact that they had no faith to return home to. Those who are young adults who have children need to take this principle very seriously. I've seen too many adults suffer terribly because of the devastation they sowed in their children's lives.

The Benefits of Good Discipline

(23:24) The father of a righteous son will rejoice greatly, and one who fathers a wise son will delight in him.

It is way too early for Nancy and me to feel like we've made it through with Nathan and Molly. They seem to have responded well up to this point and prayerfully they will respond positively for the rest of the journey as well. It is neat to have Nathan and Molly in the home. Up to this point they have adopted the values we have tried to impart to them: faith in Christ, commitment to His Word, compassion for others, etc. The icing on the cake has been that they have latched onto certain things I love: the works of C. S. Lewis and J. R. R. Tolkien, a certain university and its athletic programs, etc. The first things are such a blessing; the latter just make it even better. They are really blessings for Nancy and me.